Giving up the future?
This will be a hard entry to write. I have been consumed lately with trying to "de-thing" so that we have more space in our much loved, though small, home. We have saved nearly everything from when our children were small in the hopes that we might have another child, and I have finally reached the point where my mind tells me we will not be so blessed. This leads to the next thought. Perhaps I should bless others with all the accoutrements of life with a baby. I have strollers and bouncy seats, and swings, clothes for boys and girls, diapers, and a host of other baby-related things. I have started to go through just a few small things, and I have been forced to stop. It feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest. My mother says she will buy us new clothes should we conceive again, and bless her, I know that she would, but somehow I can not bless others with my plenty. All I can feel as I try to divest is the pain of never having another child. And all this is in addition to believing that God knows what He is doing, and that perhaps He doesn't want us to conceive. It feels like giving up, even if it is not. And it feels like lack of generosity. Some days I tell God to use my suffering to help other souls, and I feel good about that, but most days it is hard to sit with the suffering. Particularly since I know we are so blessed with the children we already have. My mind and my emotions are at war.
Comments
Hi Lisa:
I am sorry that you are feeling so bad. I have been there and know how depressing it can be. I was finally able to give up the dream when the perimenopause kicked in. I just knew I was too old and let go. You probably still have a few more years before that happens but it does put things in perspective. There will also come a time when you FEEL like you just wouldn't be up to the job. Having babies really takes it out of you (as you know) and our bodies don't really want to do it after a certain point. I gave away all of Victoria's things when I was 45 and it was actually liberating. Sometimes having those items around is only a constant reminder and brings new pain. They are just things anyway and can be easily replaced if you do get pregnant. Think of all the great new stuff you could get! Also, I often think of the women in the Bible who were so blessed and favored by God.. Rachel, Sarah and Samuel's mother, Hannah. They all struggled with infertility but God blessed them greatly. There is always a blessing among the sorrows. I hope and pray that you will be able to have another child but if not, that God will calm your spirit and allow you to be at peace with that.
Keep on truckin' as we used to say in the bad old days.
Betsy
Posted by: Betsy Cuthbertson | February 12, 2007 10:02 AM
Hi, Betsy -
Thanks for your kind words and sharing your own experiences. You know, it's funny you mention those older ladies of the Bible. Our priest constantly reminds me that older mothers are much blessed by God, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to be having kids when I'm 98! :-> I know what you mean about no longer feeling up to it. I'm not there yet, but I can see that in few more years I probably won't feel like starting completely over with an infant. Still, whatever God has in mind for us.
Intellectually, I like the idea of getting rid of the baby things (also known as blessing others with them!), but emotionally, I'm not quite there. Even though they're only things, they remind me of that precious time. Guess I need more prayer and meditation about this.
In any event, it always helps to hear sympathy, or in your case, empathy, to remind me that I'm not alone.
Lisa
Posted by: Lisa Roberts | February 12, 2007 3:50 PM
Your post on this subject brings tears to my eyes, as always happens when mothers know their children are hurting. If you want to start the process you could always get rid of the items that you are not that fond of anyway. Used socks, that perfectly good, but ugly shirt or dress, and used diapers are a few things that might be easy to part with. After all, won't we be making new All-In-Ones if you get pregnant again? After all, I've got all the "ingredients"
Posted by: Gloria Nafziger | February 13, 2007 9:39 AM
Well, Mom (aka Gloria), don't forget that I called today and said that this was one of those days I was glad I didn't have any more children! :->
I am actually using the method you mentioned in your post, though I have also divested of some nice items by giving them to the Aherns and the Lindquists. It helps when I can give them to someone who needs them and appreciates them. And, you're on notice now. If we do get pregnant again, you're going to have to help me make new All-in-Ones!
Thanks, as always, for all your support.
Posted by: Lisa Roberts | February 13, 2007 7:41 PM